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Put your hands together now! |
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Writing -
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Thursday, 12 March 2009 18:12 |
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You've all heard the song, "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!" But you probably didn't realize there are multiple versions. One of these versions is bullshit.
If you were taught that "If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it, if your're happy and you know it clap your hands!" then you were taught the only sensible version. The narrator asks you to clap your hands IF you are happy and you know it. Simple, to the point. No logical ambiguity or reason to question the intent.
But if you were taught that "If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it, if you happy and you know it clap your hands!" Well, then we have a problem. The narrator claims that my face would be a dead give away regarding whether I was happy or not. If that's the case, then why would he ask, "IF you're happy and you know it..." According to him, he'd be able to see right away that I'm happy and so he'd probably say something more like, "You ARE happy and you know it, clap your hands." There would be no IF about it.
So given that he can tell right away, then why exactly is he asking? What's his motive? Is he trying to get me to let something slip? Trying to disorient me and confuse me, forcing an accidental revelation of my inner feelings of happiness? Well I won't do it! You can try, but I remain strong! Defiant! Say it with me now, DEFIANT! Whooo! Everybody cheer! DEFIANT! Whoooo! Yeah! Clap, clap, clap!
Aw shit I'm clapping.
This paranoid schizophrenic delusion of thought brought to you by:
Not enough work to do AND a predisposition to mental drift (both focus and reasoning). |
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Media Consumption: The New Debt |
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Friday, 06 March 2009 22:02 |
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I remember when we use to watch broadcast TV and go to the movies when films came out. Back then, if you missed a TV show, radio show, or movie release, you're only hope was to catch a rerun or Video Rental.
Today it's different. With the proliferation of DVRs, Tivos, podcasts, streaming video, and services like Netflix, I never have to watch anything when it comes out. If I don't have time, I can, in some way shape or form, save it for later. With all these tools at my disposal, I can aggregate all my media content to my computer or iPod. How convenient.
At first it sounds like a real benefit. If I don't have time, I can save it for later. But new episodes come out at least once a week, sometimes more. And the whole reason I couldn't see them when they came out was because I didn't have time. As they accumulate, the time I need to invest increases exponentially. It's like having a bad debt to a a loan shark, every week new episodes get stacked on like high interest, and the amount of time I need to payback gets so astronomical, I just want to pretend it isn't there.
"Hey! You owe Video Vito a helluva lot, where've you been hidin'?"
"I've just been busy, I was gonna call you, honest I was."
"You better start payin' or we'll force ya to watch horrible reality shows on broadcast TV. You won't have any choice, your only prime time choices are gonna be Dancing with the Stars, When Hobos Attack, and World's Scariest Purse Snatching Caught on Tape."
"Oh god! No! please! I'll pay! I'll pay!" |
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Writing -
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Friday, 06 March 2009 21:04 |
I love and hate marketing at the same time. I love that it is the only place where a writer can use language incorrectly, spell things creatively, make up words, and ultimately say nothing or the same thing over and over with as many different words as possible.
I hate it for the same reasons, especially when I'm trying to shop for something and I have to sift through the BS to try and figure out what makes one model better than another or worth paying for at all.
Of course it's easy when you are reading marketing material for things that have nowhere left to advance and everyone knows it. Take the toothbrush for instance. There is no new technology going into the manual toothbrush, and yet their marketing would have you believe that NASA could learn a lot from Oral-B engineers. They come up with "Revolutionary MicroPulse bristles that pivot and pulse to penetrate deep between teeth."
Are they serious?
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Culture Shocking the Elderly |
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Writing -
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Thursday, 05 March 2009 00:00 |
I have the mouth of a truck driver. Swearing and cursing comes quite naturally to me. On the one hand, I recognize that most often, cursing is the last resort of the uncreative. You see, when desperately searching for the appropriate adjective, the uncreative person simply applies fuck in some form to emphasize his statement. “What a fucking storm!” Or, “Fuck! What a storm.” Sometime even in the middle of a word, “Un-Fucking-Believeable storm!”
But other times the curse words are necessary to construct the appropriate meaning or paint a picture of your true feelings. “The boss just blew through here on a wild shit-storm.” Or, “Hey dickwad, cut the crap or fuck off.”
And goddammit! Sometimes it just feels good to let it fly, particularly if someone is being a fucknut.
Most people learned these words from other kids, often older kids, and upon trying them out at home, found they shocked the parents who thought for sure they raised better kids than that. “Where did you hear words like that?!” The shocked parents always asked.
Growing up in my house, it was never a question. No one had to ask, where did you hear words like that? The answer was always obvious:
My Mother.
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